Today is Spouse’s Day. What better way to celebrate than to talk about one of the beautiful and important aspects of marriage—sex. Sex is a great gift from God for married couples. It’s meant to be enjoyed and nurtured. Healthy physical intimacy strengthens your bond. And while talking about it can bring up much anxiety, it’s important to have it. Here are some strategies for how to talk about sex in your marriage.
How to Talk about Sex in Your Marriage
Talking about sex with each other is important for a marriage. According to research, couples who talk about their sex-life are more satisfied. So, how do we do it? Let’s find out!
Timing is Everything
There are right times and the wrong times to talk about sex.
- First, pick a neutral location. The bedroom or at bedtime is not the right time to have the conversation. And make sure the kids aren’t in earshot.
- Second, don’t talk right after being intimate. Again, pick a more neutral place and time.
- Third, don’t blindside your spouse. Let your spouse know (without placing blame) that you want to talk about your sex life. Set up a time to talk about it.
How to Talk About Concerns
There’s also a right way and a wrong way to broach the subject. Here are some steps to help make the conversation easier for you both.
Start Early
Make physical a topic of conversation from the beginning of your marriage. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. Establish trust and intimacy with easier conversations such as birth control and then go from there.
Begin Slowly
The best way to begin a sensitive conversation, like talking about physical intimacy, is to have a “soft start.” Begin with your goal to feel closer and connected with your spouse.
Be Positive. Not Critical
Be positive, not critical when talking about sex with your spouse. Always say something positive that they have done before you say something you don’t like. Avoid blaming. Skip criticism and focus on the things you can both do to make your sex life more fulfilling. Say “I feel” rather than “you make me feel” when talking about sex. Use phrases like, “ I like it when…” rather than saying things like “stop doing that.”
Focus on Intimacy
Affection and intimacy are just as important as how often you are physically intimate. A key to opening the conversation to physical intimacy is by focusing on building emotional intimacy and connectedness. So be sure to talk about your needs for other types of affection as well.
Skip Surprises
You and your spouse need to be on the same page. You should always initiate a conversation before springing any surprises on your spouse in the bedroom. Discuss what you both might enjoy.
Express Yourself
Talk about your expectations, fears, desires, and concerns about your sex life together. Be honest. Don’t be afraid to talk about what you like and what you don’t like. Your comfort level is very important to healthy physical intimacy in marriage.
Be Clear and Explain
Your spouse isn’t a mind reader. If you don’t feel like being intimate, tell them. Also, tell them why. Otherwise, they might not understand and feel pushed away and rejected. One question to ask yourself is, “how do you cope with no, and how do you deliver no?”
Listen and Ask Questions
The biggest problem with communication isn’t that people don’t know how to talk. It’s that they don’t’ know how to listen. Don’t spend the conversation thinking about what to say next. Actively listen to what your spouse is sharing.
When you are the one listening, put yourself in their shoes and try to accept what the other is saying. We are hard-wired to think that our reality is the only one and that other perspectives are wrong. If you can fix that, then these conversations will become much easier.
Talk Often
Talking about sex in your marriage shouldn’t be a one-time conversation. It should be ongoing and a normal part of your relationship. Remember, research suggests that talking to each other about sex leads to greater relationship satisfaction.
Communication is Important to Great Sex in Marriage
Communication is an important part of great and satisfying physical intimacy. The conversation is necessary for all married couples—whether you are newlyweds or married for years. Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed and nurtured. It’s what makes marriage special.
Start talking about sex in your marriage early. Even if years have gone by without you and your spouse talking about your sex life, it’s never too late to start.
Get Equipped!
Eagle Family Ministries‘ mission is to equip pre-marital and married couples, single parents, and traditional families with Biblical tools resulting in healthy relationships that lead to a lifetime of love. Join us for relationship coaching, premarital counseling, fun marriage retreats, or host a conference in your hometown. We cover a variety of topics, including enjoying great sex in your marriage. Click here for more details or contact us today to learn more. 479.464.4442